WRITINGS
WRITINGS
10/09/23
Coming back from my mother's and feeling alone, sad, melancholic and unsafe (as usual)
I have this growing feeling that I'm soon gonna be abandonned
By everyone I think, but mostly by X
I may have been overanalizing our conversations in my mum's because of the environnement, but now that I'm back home it's like I don't know how to take care of me anymore, because I'm soon gonna have to do it alone again.
I never want to feel abandonned again without anyone to give me affection and having to deal with everything alone
Each time I'm in trouble or having a problem, my emotional stability falls apart and I break loose. I don't know how to take care of me and my health anymore, I'm eating at random hours, sleeping too much or too little, forgetting to take a shower and to take my meds, forgetting to clean the house and to take care of my animals.. I'm cutting myself away from the world, I stop answering texts and do nothing anymore.
And when my emotional stability comes back: I feel like I woke up, I have many things I wanna do, I ask myself how could I let myself down like this.
10/09/23
The little girl in me crying, screaming, begging to be seen and listened to
I feel like i'm fading away when they don't want my attention and it's killing me
I can't handle rejection
I feel like i'm dying when no one looks at me and acknowledge my existence. no matter what I do and say, they don't care, that's why I'm trying everything to get their attention so I can feel like I'm living and exist again.
Why do I feel like this? Where does this comes from?
What's the source of it?
And I don't know what to do in these moments, no one told me how to handle this, cause no psychiatrist ever acknowledge this problem. Should I turn to my current FP and beg for attention even though I know it will be annoying for them ? Should I let this feeling grow and poison me to the core, leading me to suicidal thoughts and things I would never have done rationally ? I just CAN'T sit here with this feeling, I know it's just poisonning me. I need someone, platonically or romantically I don't fucking care I just need someone. And it's fucking frustrating me that I can't always turn to my FP for that. They should give me the unconditional love I need.
I feel like I know now where does my anger comes from. My hate, would even say.
I just want to be recognized. Loved. Cherished.
Or else I feel like I'm an empty piece of shit. I'm vanishing.
Everyone telling me to fix myself but no one really want to fucking help once it gets difficult, fucking shitheads
14/06/23
Anxiety in a crisis-like form with stomach pain and nausea= direct opposite of an orgasm
An orgasm in hell
02/06/23
Im tired of feeling like im out of place, people scare me, i dont like them. I dont feel like i belong with them.
Everytime i talk to someone they dislike who i am, how i act, and what i say. I feel like every word I let out of my mouth is beyond dumb and seeing people disapointed in me breaks my heart into a fucking mash. I'm tired of feeling so fragile and easily hurt, everything hurts so bad it's unbearable.
I cannot step a foot in this world without it hurting me, everyday is the same, i'm locked in here and I can't do shit, and I know I can't carry on living like this. I just wanted to live, but it seems like I can't:
Greeting people hurts
Stepping a foot outside hurts
Calling my mum hurts
Eating hurts
Smoking hurts
Sleeping hurts
Seeing anyone hurts
I
am
not at peace
